“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.” ~Unknown

Forgiveness is something I have to work on every day. It’s very hard to forgive. It’s almost as if I think that if I truly forgive, I am somehow saying whatever injustice I have been dealt was okay.

But forgiveness is not the same as acceptance. And forgiveness has a lot less to do with the person you are forgiving than it does to you. As a matter of fact, forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts that we can give ourselves. When we forgive, we free ourselves from our own emotional prisons. It allows us to move on in our lives and no longer be victims. Forgiveness gives us back our power.

The anger and hatred that we carry around really doesn’t hurt the person we are angry at or feel hatred towards. Even if they felt regret or sorrow for whatever happened, they are going on with their lives independent of you. It’s you who is suffering from your inner turmoil. And, in the end, we are doing the one thing that we probably least want to do…we are giving our abuser power over us. They are controlling our moods, our attitudes, our actions, our blood pressure…they may even be controlling our habits and our ability to create and foster healthy, happy relationships with others! How can we allow that?

I want so much to be in control of myself. I want to know who I am and not have my opinions or attitudes controlled by someone else. I am trying hard to forgive. I’m trying hard to forgive others, and I am trying hard to forgive myself as well.

I’ve had some rather horrific things happen to me in my life. It was easiest for me to suppress my feelings and to push back my anger and my hatred. But avoidance is not the same as forgiveness. I became aware of how much I had been affected by my non-forgiveness when I began having difficulties in my marriage. The fact that I had internalized the things that had happened to me caused overwhelmingly large trust issues that I didn’t know how to overcome.

I began hypnotherapy to help me understand hurt and trauma from my childhood. (I want to note that any pain and suffering I endured as a child was not caused by my parents, who are loving and supportive.) We did an exercise where my present self saw and could talk to my former self…the part of me that was still inside and still holding on to anger and pain. It was really a remarkable exercise, because it was at that moment that I understood how much I had suppressed and the affect it had had on my life.

Seeing situations from the outside and in a state of hypnosis allowed me to find compassion for my abusers. Although never asked to relive any painful experiences, I was able to look at them as an impartial observer. It allowed me to step away from the emotion and just see things for what they are or were. I was able to understand that, some times, people are just so damaged themselves that they are acting in the only way they think they can; that a person might be so ill that they really believe that their intentions are just and right. And it allowed me to learn forgiveness.

Learn to forgive. First, forgive yourself for the things you dislike and look deep for the real reasons. Once you can understand the reasons for your own actions and negative attitudes, you can work to understand and have compassion for others. Give yourself this gift. Forgiveness frees you from the past, no matter how much hurt was there. It allows you to move on and find peace.

“Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34)

Blessings.

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